This is a third generation Nissan Skyline GT-R, and I am
about to rap to you about why it should make your little dick hard like frozen
diamond. What, it look like a respectable saloon? That’s its fucking secret. This is a straight up fucking
weapon with the perfect disguise, like a six year old girl packed with dynamite
and Soviet ideologies. How does a 2.3 litre inline-six cylinder engine sound? Awesome is the answer, it’s all snarly
and sharp like a 150lb wasp. Also, there are two turbochargers. Two, you punk, because forcibly cramming fuel and air in the combustion chamber for
the wildest possible explosion once
is simply insufficient when your goal is to make Sonic the Goddamned Hedgehog
weep at his relative lack of speed. Nissan claimed about 280 brake horsepower,
but this was modesty, and really it
was over 300 when the car was running good.
It was the late eighties when the car they would call Godzilla was conceived.
Some Nissan engineer was all like, “shit, let’s make a car that will make every
race series in Japan look stupid as hell by walking over the top of them” and
his boss was like “haha yeah ok bro do it” and then it actually happened. We got
this fucking magic all-wheel drive system, I don’t know how the fuck it works,
that lets the car cling to the track like Spiderman to a naked tit but still
corner like the magic bullet that killed JFK. The whole car is overengineered
as shit, too, so the fast and furious tuner boys can’t get enough of it. You
can, in theory, tune this engine to produce a power output approximately
equivalent to that of twenty-one supernovae, and thanks to the torque-splitting-centre-differential
traction sorcery all that power will
just be delivered with no fuss, and uproot the nation’s entire fucking road
system, spooling it out the back like in a Looney Tune, as you rocket off,
pulling 0-60 figures that cannot be measured by modern science en route to a
top speed comparable to that of light. For real- can you imagine some smarmy shit of an investment banker’s face when his brand new Porsche convertible is
smoked away from the lights by a fucking NISSAN!? Nissan, like who made the
Sunny! That’s the kind of range they have as an engineering company- like Bryan
Cranston is equally convincing as goofy dad and as crank kingpin, Nissan are
equally skilled at making boring hatchbacks for boring people to cart their
ugly kids around, and howling performance icons like this beauty. It’s not that
beautiful, actually. The later models looked a lot better. And went faster.
Shit. Whatever- the GT-R was a Goddamned
revolution.
