Musings on Late Cold War Naval Aviation

You see this motherfucker right here? This is a Grumman F-14 Tomcat. This is no 21^st century multirole, born of compromise and built by the lowest bidder, shit no. This is an old-school balls-out naval jet interceptor from the Cold War, back when being the baddest aircraft in the sky meant something. This is the bird that you call upon when the Russians are already in the air and think they got you- the commie bastards are already planning dinner. The Tomcat will show them, though. It says fuck manoeuvrability, fuck economy and fuck socialism, getting to wherever the enemy is as quickly as possible and sending Ivan back to Moscow with a bunch of missiles up his pinko ass. Tomcat tucks his wings in mid-flight to go faster like a Goddamn Olympic skier, and those dudes are fast as shit. F-14 goes all the way up to Mach 2.3- do you know how fucking fast that is? I don’t! I have no idea! That is unknowably fast! We carrier launched, too- your boy don’t even need an airbase because he can operate from the fucking sea. That means seventy-one percent of earth’s surface is Tomcat turf before he even takes off. This is the aircraft they flew in Top Gun, and it singlehandedly balanced that movie out into heterosexuality- it’s a street-fighting alley dwelling Tomcat, not some well groomed woman cat that sits on a cushion all fucking day. The F-14 even has two seats, so you can bring your bitch out and watch her swoon at your 28,000 pound feet of thrust- that is almost as much thrust as one of Vin Diesel’s fucking arms. Maybe you’re thinking that intercepting shit is all the F-14 is good for? Well fuck you once, because if it didn’t intercept shit you’d be wrestling your sister for dog meat in a glowing post-nuclear shithole, and fuck you twice because when they stuck a LANTIRN on it, it became an unstoppable bomb dropping ground attack monster. People in the know say that your hairy ass real man dedicated interceptor the F-14 did these missions better than lame nerdy multirole F-18 ever could, like it ain’t shit. Let me tell you this, right now- the free world was never freer than when this cat prowled its borders, but those days are gone. The last free Tomcat took off from a carrier way back in '06- now, only the Iranians still fly the F-14.