Musings on Late Cold War Naval Aviation

You see this motherfucker right here? This is a Grumman F-14 Tomcat. This is no 21^st century multirole, born of compromise and built by the lowest bidder, shit no. This is an old-school balls-out naval jet interceptor from the Cold War, back when being the baddest aircraft in the sky meant something. This is the bird that you call upon when the Russians are already in the air and think they got you- the commie bastards are already planning dinner. The Tomcat will show them, though. It says fuck manoeuvrability, fuck economy and fuck socialism, getting to wherever the enemy is as quickly as possible and sending Ivan back to Moscow with a bunch of missiles up his pinko ass. Tomcat tucks his wings in mid-flight to go faster like a Goddamn Olympic skier, and those dudes are fast as shit. F-14 goes all the way up to Mach 2.3- do you know how fucking fast that is? I don’t! I have no idea! That is unknowably fast! We carrier launched, too- your boy don’t even need an airbase because he can operate from the fucking sea. That means seventy-one percent of earth’s surface is Tomcat turf before he even takes off. This is the aircraft they flew in Top Gun, and it singlehandedly balanced that movie out into heterosexuality- it’s a street-fighting alley dwelling Tomcat, not some well groomed woman cat that sits on a cushion all fucking day. The F-14 even has two seats, so you can bring your bitch out and watch her swoon at your 28,000 pound feet of thrust- that is almost as much thrust as one of Vin Diesel’s fucking arms. Maybe you’re thinking that intercepting shit is all the F-14 is good for? Well fuck you once, because if it didn’t intercept shit you’d be wrestling your sister for dog meat in a glowing post-nuclear shithole, and fuck you twice because when they stuck a LANTIRN on it, it became an unstoppable bomb dropping ground attack monster. People in the know say that your hairy ass real man dedicated interceptor the F-14 did these missions better than lame nerdy multirole F-18 ever could, like it ain’t shit. Let me tell you this, right now- the free world was never freer than when this cat prowled its borders, but those days are gone. The last free Tomcat took off from a carrier way back in '06- now, only the Iranians still fly the F-14.

Grander Than Ever

Contrary to popular belief, Rockstar Games’s Grand Theft Auto is not just a series about stealing cars and murdering prostitutes. These are, of course, vital gameplay elements; but there’s a little more to the thing than the tabloids, those bastards who get paid for writing stuff, would have you think. They’re games that create a living world, one full of people and attention to detail, of believability and finger-on-the-pulse parody. They’re games that give the player freedom to do as he pleases, and that provide plenty of things to be free to do. They are games that tell a story; one of mobsters, drug deals and psychotics, but also one of comedy, with dark humour oozing from every pore. They are games, as should be obvious, of which I am rather fond. And I felt the closest a miserable bastard like me gets to joy when I found that there was to be another.

While it might not be surprising in and of itself to know that one of the biggest series in entertainment would be updated, there is, I think, a crucial conceptual leap from “sooner or later there will be a new GTA” to “GTA5 is a real thing that is being made, and there is a trailer embedded below”. Announced, in typical Rockstar fashion, with a single cryptic tweet, the latest instalment in the crime-action franchise has been revealed to the world with this first trailer.

A nice trailer, undeniably. But what does it tell us? Speculation on the internet is already rife about the game, but here are the details of which we can be certain- GTA5 is taking the series back to West Coast USA, centring in Los Santos, the game universe’s mirror of Los Angeles, and is set in the present day. We’ve been here before- 2004’s Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas had you play as a young street thug from one of Santos’s criminal gangs on a wild adventure around the state, battling with rival gangs and corrupt cops in the pursuit of money and of street justice. While that Los Santos was one of three in-game cities and relatively cramped, looks like the GTAV rendition, given that it seems to be the main event this time around, will be far larger and hugely more detailed, much like the reimagining of Liberty City between GTA3 and 4, which had it much more closely resembling real life New York. The fan-favourite fixed-wing aircraft seem to be back, and I’ll wager they can be player controlled given the outpouring of entitled whining when GTA4 omitted these from its vehicle roster. The shots of mountains and fields confirm that the countryside surrounding Los Santos will be featured in some capacity, too.

Why go back to Los Santos? GTA: Vice City was very popular with its ‘80s faux-Miami setting; why not return there? For the answer to that, we need only listen to the first line of the trailer. “Why did I move here? I guess it was the weather. Or, ah, I don’t know, that thing, that magic.” As well as being the words of a jaded former mobster/federal agent who may or may not be the player character, this is a message from Rockstar to the fans. Setting is as mission-critical to these games as Hellfire missiles are to an attack chopper. New York City is an amazing place, and so was its replication in GTA4’s Liberty City- the capital of the world, the great melting pot, the gateway to the new world and all the other lame-ass clichés. Los Angeles, maybe thanks to its mystification through Hollywood and the media, has a similar magic of its own, an enduring and unique charm. Miami is a superb place for an ‘80s setting, yes; shit, I think Miami was where the ‘80s started and spread forth, the source of all the world’s eighties. But Rockstar doesn’t tend to go over old ground, and outside that grubby decade, what is Miami? Some greasy town in Florida; nothing compared to the City of Angels. Additionally, while the rampant gang culture around in nineties LA has subsided somewhat, I think much of it is still a dangerous-ass place to be, too; this is a game named after a criminal act, after all. I’m real excited to see what Rockstar brings to the table with this game world; they’re the best in the industry at making a world that feels like a real place and not one that revolves around the player, and every game they’ve brought out since GTA3 has improved in this area.

Trailer doesn’t give us too much info about characters. Rumour is there might be multiple protagonists this time around, which is conceivable- GTA4’s episodic expansions each had their own player character, whose tale was distinct from but overlapping with the others, and I could see a similar structure being put into this game. There’s a streetwise looking black guy who appears a few times in the sort of positions a GTA protagonist finds himself in, but it’s hard to be sure. One real interesting thing is the older looking fella at forty seconds in. That face matches the voice somewhat, which is cool, but what’s got the rumour mill working overtime is the noticeable resemblance to Vice City’s Tommy Vercetti. I’m not entirely convinced by that one; Rockstar are perfectly capable of making new characters without dragging up old ones. It’s not inconceivable- dude does look a lot like how Tommy might look after twenty-five years aging and ten of graphical enhancement, and it could be nice to give an aging mobster character that sort of familiarity twist- but the only reason I’m entertaining the idea of that being an older Tommy Vercetti is the fact that, well, it looks a lot like an older Tommy Vercetti. Character design is another thing that has been improving steadily, so this is likely to be top-notch.

Couple other interesting things to note. There’s a dog visible in the first shot, which, combined with the plenty of countryside shown, suggests that the game will have a variety of animals á la Red Dead Redemption. There’s an electric roof animation, hinting at a deeper vehicle system, and the dudes in masks robbing something have assault rifles fitted with suppressors, possibly indicating some degree of weapon customisation. The jet that screeches past the camera looks to be a fighter, and my guess as your friendly neighbourhood military nerd is that it’s a new version of San Andreas’s Hydra jet based on the real-world F-35. There’s probably stuff I’ve missed, I can’t see worth a goddamn- maybe you should mention it in the comments.

Maybe I’m just a dribbling fanboy, but this one trailer has me really stoked already. GTAV should be one to watch. Tune in sometime vaguely soonish for a review of Battlefield 3, and, if I can be arsed buying the same game for the fifth time, maybe Modern Warfare 3 too.

Chaos Rising, but how high?

Greetings, reader; I trust this fresh solar cycle finds you well. I have come this day to tell you a little something of the expansion to Relic’s grim, dark future strategy-RPG Dawn of War II- an expansion by the name of Chaos Rising. I am fully aware that the expansion is a year old, and that a second expansion is almost upon us, and I have no real excuse for the late date of this. Take solace from the fact that you are getting this at all.

Dawn of War, as you really should know, is a series of strategy games set in the Warhammer 40,000 universe, a universe with far more horrors and staunch warriors than hope. It’s a science-fantasy setting, where humanity has spread out among the stars, and discovered that the whole galaxy is full of unpleasantness, the mighty Imperium of Man beset from all sides by daemons, aliens and traitors, and held together by the efforts of the superhuman Space Marines and stalwart Imperial Guard.

I spoke of the original Dawn of War 2 some time ago- I was impressed with the way they handled the universe (a universe of which I am fond), of the clever use of the wealth of lore. I liked the gameplay, too, the player needing to make cunning use of cover and specialised troopers to succeed. I liked the story elements, the Space Marines of the Blood Ravens chapter battling to save their recruiting worlds from the barbaric Orks, the enigmatic Eldar and the all-devouring Tyranids. Recently, and with the assistance of a Steam buddy, I managed to finally complete the single-player campaign of the original game, and so moved on to the expansion, which, perhaps foolishly, I had purchased on release date, on the admittedly shaky basis that my future self would thank me.

The sequel is set a year after the events of the original, your Blood Ravens returning to sub-sector Aurelia to investigate the re-emergence of a planet thought lost to the warp (an alternate reality overlapping ours, dangerous but critical to the setting due to its use in faster-than-light travel) and the apparent distress signal sent from the surface of a world that should be devoid of life. Fairly quickly, the marines discover the presence of the Black Legion, Space Marines who have turned from the light of the Emperor of Mankind and devoted themselves instead to the ruinous powers of the Chaos Gods. It comes to light that there is treachery within the ranks of the Blood Ravens, with traitors in the very command of the chapter and within the player’s force itself.

All this is well and good, but what does it mean for gameplay? Well, the introduction of the Chaos Space Marines means a new faction in single and multi-player games. These are similar to their loyalist brothers, but their millennia of exile brings a few notable differences- they lack some of the new and specialised technology available to loyalists, but their experience and the favour of their patron gods lends them an edge in battle, allowing them to summon daemonic creatures and auras to crush their foes.

The corrupting element of Chaos, an important element to the setting, plays a significant role in the campaign, too. The squads under the player’s command have a new “Corruption Meter”, a sliding scale marking the purity of their souls. Corruption is gained by failing objectives, such as rescuing beleaguered scout marines from foes, or using the new “tainted” wargear, items of weaponry and armour that usually have some sort of dark history, offering spectacular power at the cost of damnation. Your marines can redeem themselves by going above and beyond the call of duty on missions, completing additional objectives like assassinating an enemy commander, or taking “penitent” items that have negative effects on their combat prowess to remind them of their duty to the Emperor. Your Marines get additional abilities based upon their level of corruption, too- totally pure squads might have an enhancement to the use of healing items, those with just a little corruption swapping this for gaining health from the killing of foes, and totally corrupted units go to battle with a daemonic bloodthirst. It’s quite cleverly done, with corruption being just slightly easier to attain than redemption, tempting a struggling player to corrupt his force by degrees. Brilliantly, the total accruement of corruption is used to determine which of the player’s allies turns out to be the traitor betraying the Blood Ravens at every turn, a nifty twist in the storyline.

Terminator armour, lightning claws, personal teleporter and orbital bombardment beacon. Is he underdressed? I wouldn't tell him.

In addition to the modifications to the formula brought by the appearance of a corrupting foe, there are some simple additions made as one would expect from an expansion. The maximum level of characters has been raised from 20 to 30, letting players who had maxed their characters in the original still get a sense of progression. New types of weapons have come, too- marines can now use ‘lightning claws’, bladed gauntlets surrounded with an energy field, deadly to armoured infantry, ‘lascannons’, the setting’s iconic anti-tank weapon, projecting a beam of energy that deals ruinous damage to everything but fires about once a week, and ‘melta’ weapons that spray a short ranged stream of superheated matter to cut through anything you can imagine. These are all fairly nifty additions offering the player a little more tactical choice, which is nice in a game where this is a selling point. There’s a new controllable unit, too- a Librarian marine named Jonah Orion. Marine librarians, like the ones found in libraries, are entrusted with the preservation of knowledge and history. Unlike those, however, these ones are also deadly combatants, destroying enemies with blasts of psychic power rather than just stern looks if they are noisy. Jonah has a broad range of abilities, and as such can be used in a variety of battlefield roles- he can smite foes from afar with the power of his mind, slip through the warp to emerge within the matter of an enemy and engage his terrified squadmates in close combat, or use healing powers and protective barriers to take a more passive, defensive role in proceedings. This unit can be very effective, but does require micromanagement of his range of abilities. Lamentably, I suspect to get the most from the Librarian would require more attention and patience than I am prepared to give him.

Loyalist Predator battletanks form an armoured spearhead to be thrust to the heart of the traitorous foe.

The original game’s missions took place on three planets; a lush jungle world, a harsh desert planet, and an urbanised hive-city planet, with a couple map variants on each to keep the player entertained. With the endless randomly-generated missions, these could get tiresome if the player progressed as slowly as I did. The new game has added a couple of settings, first a frozen ice planet, the base of operations for the Chaos forces. This place plays in a fairly similar fashion to the worlds of the last game, but there are a few nice snow effects and suchlike that give it visual appeal if nothing else. The second of the new settings is awesome, though- a Space Hulk, a huge, drifting space vessel forged from the crushed remains of a number of unfortunate ships that slips semi-randomly through space, often containing secrets, always containing nasties. Drawing inspiration from the tabletop game of the same name, missions on the space hulk have the player driving his force through the maze of narrow corridors against a sneaky and deadly foe. Here, I think Relic has outdone itself. Enemies appear from anywhere, bursting from pipes or leaping from overhead, giving the whole thing a tense atmosphere. Adding to the tension, the warp-tainted nature of hulks imposes a time limit on how long your marines can remain before the corruption has a dangerous effect. There’s a real feeling of pressure on the hulk missions as you hunt through the twisted corridors for the relics you seek- your marines combat tangible horrors at every turn even while they whisper and gibber at those within their mind. It was genuinely unnerving to hear the utterly dependable Tarkus rant about how some imagined thing was his and his alone. Unfortunately, the missions aboard the space hulk are precious few, a real shame given their quality.

Chaos Rising, then, is a worthy expansion to a game I enjoyed. It has made many pleasing additions to an already solid formula. I liked the extra wargear options brought in, the storyline with its betrayal and treachery and the thrilling missions on the space hulk. Things I wasn’t so happy with included the fairly short length of the campaign, though I’m not sure whether that’s better or worse than having a hundred new randomly-generated defend missions each day. Relic did give a slightly broader mission range this time, which is also sweet. All in all, I liked Chaos Rising, and not just as a 40K fanboy, and I await the sequel, Dawn of War 2- Retribution, with eagerness.

Tune in next week/month/time I post to see my thoughts on one or more of: Dead Space 2, Bad Company Vietnam, Gran Turismo 5 and Need for Speed: Hot Pursuit. I can’t wait, can you!? If you know but one thing, know this- it is gonna be rad.

Poker For Dummies

Some months ago, there was a cryptic trailer from downloadable games purveyor Telltale Games. It suggested that, unlikely as it may seem, it was indeed possible for characters like Team Fortress's Heavy, Sam and Max's Max, Homestarrunner's Strong Bad and Penny Arcade's Tycho to feature in a single media item that wasn't terrifying and poorly written erotic fan fiction, and that such a project was actually underway. Fairly quickly, the internet realised that the trailer showed each character holding playing cards, and that this meant a poker game instead of the epic universe merging adventure for which we all hoped. The official reveal reinforced this notion- the game was to be called Poker Night at The Inventory.

The game was released a couple weeks back, now- I don't know exactly when because I am not a professional reviewer who knows such things. Exactly as promised, it features the four fine fellows, playing poker, in a club by the name of The Inventory. The player assumes the role of a fifth gambler, imaginatively named "The Player", who joins the table for some cold war action. Wait, sorry, that was last week. You play Texas Hold 'Em.

I must admit, I was not intimately familiar with poker. The extent of my knowledge was that some dudes with grim expressions sat at a table and attempted to rob one another with the veneer of a gentlemanly card game over proceedings. As such, it might have been a rash move to preorder this game the moment it became available. I can't rightly recall why I did so, now- perhaps I was still expecting that incredible and hypothetical adventure game, perhaps I just wanted to see those characters together, or perhaps I had some eldritch premonition of the nature of the finished product and decided I wanted in on that. Regardless, it turned out to be a wise decision.

The actual gameplay is fairly unexceptional. You are playing poker, single player poker. As such, there is nothing spectacularly innovative in the way the game actually plays out. There are a couple interesting additions to the gameplay- winning tournaments unlocks new tables and decks, as well as items for spectacularly entertaining multiplayer shooter Team Fortress 2, but nothing to drop the jaw. What makes the game interesting, then, is not the actual game. No, Poker Night's strength comes, perhaps unsurprisingly, from who you are playing with.

The handful of people who read this post may or may not know the characters featured in Poker Night, so I will explain. We have Max, of the Sam and Max series of games- a rabbit, bipedal, capable of speech and of questionable sanity. Also at the table is Strong Bad from Home Star Runner- a small but macho man, dressed or possibly formed as a Lucha Libre wrestler. The third player is Heavy Weapons Guy, the minigun toting Russian bear-man from Team Fortress 2. Finally, there is Tycho Brahe, from excellent gaming webcomic Penny Arcade- suave, eloquent and profane. They are all humourous characters from gamer culture, and they come together marvellously- the dialogue interactions between them are hilarious. I was more familiar with Tycho and the Heavy than with the others, but, though knowing the characters is helpful, the comedy is not exclusive- anyone can laugh at Max's explanation of his learning the game (involving, apparently, a mobster and a tire iron), or the Heavy's constant hunger for "sandviches". Very quickly, I settled into the game, despite not really knowing how to play, just listening to these fours' banter. It's not just dialogue, either; in a genius move, the personalities extend to the playstyles. Hyperactive Max makes brave bluffs, too excitable to fold anything but the worst of hands, while cool-headed Tycho plays conservatively, with the occasional big bluff to grab some riches. All this contributes to a sense that you are really playing with these characters, their joking and taunting immersing you in a game that on first glance is unremarkable.

I know just enough poker to know that Tycho's smug smile won't last long.

This is an interesting concept, and, to me, an exciting one. This game is entertaining despite the actual gameplay being unspectacular, if solid. To my mind, this is a vindication for those (myself included) who feel that games offer new prospects as an art form. While I'm sure the core rules of Texas Hold 'Em predate the proud state of Texas, this game adds a new dynamic to the experience. I've long thought that, properly formed, video game characters gain an extra solidity as the one experiencing the game, unlike the one reading or watching a story, is interacting directly with them. In Fallout 3, just watching the Lone Wanderer's childhood friend exile him from their home wouldn't have anything like the effect as actually having that happen to you as the player. Similarly, though watching these four characters play poker would doubtless be enjoyable, I think the extra complicity required of the player in proceedings adds something rather wonderful.

Admittedly, there is not enough of the funny dialogue, and on a couple of occasions I have felt certain that I have lost a hand I should not have, but that could be because I don't know a damn thing about poker. I gotta say, though, these flaws really aren't enough to make this unique experience worth missing, especially at the low price.

So! I suggest you give Telltale Games' Poker Night at The Inventory a look, if only to utterly refute my weird ideas about it in the comments section. Go get it!

MAN VERSUS ALIEN IN DESPERATE BATTLE

So, as I mentioned in a previous post, I have bought a copy of the third edition of Space Hulk. Doubtless, as you fail to read this you are desperate to learn of my thoughts on it. Well, having played a few games over the weekend, I can tell you this: Space Hulk is awesome.

If you are cool enough never to have even heard of Space Hulk, then here is a brief introduction. The game, set in my beloved Warhammer 40000 universe, centres around a small force of Space Marine Terminators, the elite of humanity's elite, as they board an ancient interstellar vessal/wreck, the titular Space Hulk, in search of relics or technology thought lost. Inside the hulk, they must do battle with the alien Genestealers, vile, six-limbed creatures as numerous as they are ferocious. The game is one of turn based strategy, with one player assuming command of the Marines and the other the Genestealers. It is also one of GW's oldest products, first released in 1989 (the new, third edition was released for the 20th anniversary), and one of the nerdiest things ever.

So, when the giant box arrived on, well, my neighbour's doorstep since I wasn't in, I tore it open with all the relish of a genestealer butchering a hapless terminator. The box was not merely large, but dense, containing two playing manuals (a rulebook and a mission book), several miniature frames, and the veritable flood of cardboard, for the playing area as well as legions of tokens representing the status of marines, the position of aliens currently out of direct sight, flamer effects and reserves of ammuntion (for the monstrous assault cannon) or psychic might for the powerful marine Librarian.

As I have mentioned, players control either marines or xenos in a series of missions outlined in the mission book, included in the (vast) box. These have objectives ranging from simple, team deathmatch style showdowns to complex scenarios requiring marines starting at point A to retrieve an objective at point B before making their escape at point C. I have attempted only two of the twelve, but both proved entertaining from both sides. Unfortunately, both I and the only person I could convince to play with me are massive Imperial fanboys, so we fought violently over sides prior to any actual combat. Perhaps this is that fanboy speaking, but I genuinely felt the marines were the more enjoyable side; since there are so few and they each have names displayed on the side of the box, there is a real narrative feel to the gameplay from the marine side, in addition to the murderous joy of an assault cannon holding overwatch a 'stealer infested corridor. That's not to say play on the home team is dull; shifting blips and attempting to flank the marines is a tricky game of hide and seek- the marines will annihilate you at range, so you have to get close enough to bring the razor claws of your brood to bear. Asymmetrical gameplay is always interesting in a strategy game, and I feel it has been implemented well here. As far as balance goes, the marines won two of the three games we played, but I feel the genestealers may have an advantage in the hands of more experienced players.

A "review", as I suppose this is, is worthless, firstly as nobody reads this, and secondly for it has been so long since release that anyone who cared about it has already bought at least one copy of the strictly limited editions. However! I like writing, but, as my post history shows, I am lazy. I resolved to complete this post in an attempt to counter this fact. With a bit of luck, I will seriously actually totally begin posting with renewed vigour having done this. Wish me luck, you psychopaths!

Valve are just too amazing

I had only ever dreamed of this; Valve actually disguised the spy update. Top shelf!